Touch for Rapture Rather Than Effect

Once I had a client-couple, Arthur and Ellie (not their real names). Arthur loved making out with her, and she loved his enthusiasm and attention. He loved the way she felt—there was something about her smooth and creamy skin, and the way she responded with such delight to his loving and passionate touch. Yet (and she felt guilty just thinking about it, because she knew he was trying so hard) Ellie often found it hard to fully surrender to his touch. Sometimes she felt almost as if she were resisting it! This made no sense to her—he was so enthusiastic and passionate!

Arthur (being the sensitive soul that he is) noticed this (eventually) and thought, “I should focus even more on making sure this feels really good to Ellie. I want her to fall in love with the way I make love with her.” So he’d try even harder to get the good effects. And while Ellie appreciated his intention, the more he turned up his efforts, the less what he did felt good to her.

Every woman wants as much love, care, and attention, just like Art was giving to Ellie! Why wasn’t their strategy working? Should I have told Arthur to try less to please her?

Arthur was following a common strategy: he was trying to make it feel good to her. Well—doesn’t that make sense? I call this strategy “touching for effect.” You are touching for effect when your goal is to make the other person feel pleasure.

Touching for effect puts your attention on you (“How am I doing?”) rather than on your partner—and your partner can feel this. Pleasure occurs in the present moment, not in the future. Great pleasure comes from playfulness and exploration, not from trying to make something wonderful happen.

Here’s what happens with the touch-for-effect strategy:

•Your partner can feel that you are not engaging with them in the present moment. They can feel that your attention is on your performance—not really on their pleasure.
•Because your attention is on how well you’re performing, it isn’t on your pleasure either—so you actually feel less than you could. The less you can feel, the less you are aware of (and can respond to) what your partner is feeling. If you think they can’t tell this is happening, ask them